I have been a femme entretenue, a flagellant, a penitent, a streetwalker, an inhabitant of night houses, a demimondaine. In some of these manifestations I have passed sometimes as one of my respectable sisters. But whatever I have been called, I am a whore. The rules are different for such as I.
To begin with I would look from the window when a gentleman was leaving, to see Brigid waiting patiently at the corner, but deliberately far from a streetlamp even on dark days. Another ten minutes would pass before she came up. She told me it was because she did not want to see me in déshabillée, not at five o’clock in the afternoon. I told her that English gentlemen expect to be helped into their coats by her, and their walking sticks and hats handed to them by someone wearing a maid’s apron. It was quite a different matter when she had the dressing of me at nine in the morning, because I passed my nights alone. It is some time since I have woken up beside a man; not since that house in Covent Garden. I would not want the baker to encounter any of my callers on the stairs, nor they any of the baker’s little children on their way to Princes Street Board School. Besides, my callers are usually expected at home for dinner.
It is from Mr Jones that I first heard about Miss Savage, who wanted to marry Monsieur, only Miss Savage was plain and walked with a limp and in any case Monsieur did not wish to be wed. I was relieved at this, though I felt sorry for the poor lady too. It is not that I ever thought Monsieur would marry me. This I learned early on in Paris. Not even the presence of my little boy – our little boy I should say – was any guarantee of his father’s affection. That I am in London at all is only because it was the sole means I had of ensuring that my Théodore should be provided for – provided for on pain of never seeing his mother again. Am I a mother still? I have no idea. I do not know if Théodore lives. All I know is that in relinquishing him, he may have had a chance at life. No, I am a woman no gentleman would wed, though when I paced Islington with Elise and Rachael the greater part of the men who followed me up to that dingy room wore a wedding ring or had the indent on a finger to show that a ring had been hastily removed (this I think was more about a struggle with their own consciences than any consideration of my thoughts on the matter). You see, if Miss Savage were to have wed Monsieur I could well have been dismissed, and if I wasn’t, and Miss Savage found out about me, then knowledge of my existence would have reduced her maiden dreams to ashes. A woman of my position in life is always expected to be mindful of the sensibilities of respectable ladies. We are to know of their existence, but they are not to know of ours. Any sufferings of my own moreover must be borne in silence, for not only do I no longer have Elise or Rachael to confide in, but a woman of my character has foregone the right to womanly feelings. So the nuns in that refuge told me, anyway.
Miss Savage died, and of course Monsieur was filled with remorse. He came to visit me by his usual appointment, but remained in his chair, one hand atop another, and talked at me about her for an hour. I was not required to do anything but emit the occasional sound to indicate that I listened. He got up, thanked me, and told me he would let himself out.
I wondered if he would come back. He did. I wondered too if anyone would speak of me when I am dead. But to whom?
Illustrations: Lucie’s two long-term lovers, Samuel Butler and Henry Festing Jones
Wikimedia Commons, Dutton, NY, 1920.
Henry Festing Jones, painted by Samuel Butler, 1882
Wikimedia Commons: Public Catalogue, St John’s College, Cambridge
No comments:
Post a Comment